Are You Eating Caviar For Others?
Do you find yourself saying “Mmmmm!” to a mouthful of beluga when the truth is, you think little bumps of salty water exploding in your mouth are kind of gross? Playing golf or watching polo when you still can’t figure out why people seem to like the sports so much?
One of the biggest challenges some people face when they’re thrust into the world of money, power, and prestige is the social pressure (real or perceived) to act and look “Affluent.” You know, you’re invited to the big charity event and everyone is going on and on about the expensive wines and you haven’t the vaguest idea what the big deal is, yet, you find yourself sipping it and nodding in agreement with them so they don’t think you’re stupid?
It can be seriously disconcerting to find yourself in an exclusive world you’ve never been in before. I remember my first polo match, where the friends we were meeting had brought a “picnic” which in included champagne in a silver ice bucket which they drank from crystal glasses they had stashed in the trunk of their antique Bentley. I had never seen tailgating like this in my life (granted, I was ten years old, so I didn’t feel QUITE as out of place as I might have if I were an actual adult). I was lucky, because I had the grownups that brought me to look toward for guidance on how I should be behaving. (Do I gawk at the Bentley and the silver ice bucket sticking out of the trunk? Or do I look at it as though it’s a novel, yet normal, thing to do?).
The first time I tasted caviar, I was also a child. Now that I’m grown, I know I’m not that into it. I don’t like snails or golf or 150 year old red wine, and I don’t care if the Queen herself is offering it to me. I’d much prefer the cheese and crackers, thanks. But having the confidence to assert what I like and what I don’t to a group of people I don’t usually associate with has taken some time to develop. I was lucky—I was exposed to these things when I was young where I also learned that it is A-OK to be myself, just as I am, in those settings.
Most people who weren’t exposed to that lifestyle who suddenly find themselves in it may not have learned that yet—and it can cause great amounts of stress. I have clients say things to me like, “I really hate caviar—but, god, I don’t want them to think I’m a hick if I don’t eat it when they offer it to me.”
On the one hand, of course, it’s polite to try something if you’re curious about it. But if you KNOW you don’t like something, yet you feel pressure to fit in, and you go ahead and do it anyway, you’re actually encouraging your insecurities to grow.
I’ve had clients who have purchased luxury cars or boats that they later realize they only bought because they thought they should. Or attended golf tournaments even though they KNEW they’d be bored to tears.
Let me let you in on a little secret…
What Old Money knows that New Money doesn’t is that life is about enjoying it YOUR way, and using your money and time ONLY for that. If you hate caviar, don’t eat it, don’t buy it, and only serve it if you want to. If you have a passion for Raggedy Ann dolls and not expensive cars, buy the dolls and keep driving your ’92 Toyota. If you go to a fancy dinner and you only want to eat the salad because you think foie gras and sweetbreads are disgusting? Just have the salad. Embrace who you are—confidently BE who you are (again, be polite about it, don’t go tossing the plate on the floor or anything), but by all means, respect yourself and be accountable to yourself. The people who really matter will respect you more for it (they may even find you refreshing) and, most importantly, YOU will respect yourself more, accepting yourself as you are—and there is NO bigger confidence builder than that. When you fit in with YOURSELF, who’s eating the caviar and who isn’t will be absolutely irrelevant to you. Especially because the brie is right over there…Could you pass it to me, please?
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